Every society has a hierarchy of sorts, whether spoken or unspoken, since the beginning, man has relegated themselves to tiers, hierarchies, rungs to climb, and the majority of the tiers one has to climb are based on reaching the next goal, moving to the next chapter in life, making more money, acquiring more knowledge. Society from the time you are born has seemed to map out your predicted future. the next tier you are to reach: you are born, you reach developmental milestones, you attend school, graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, begin a career and at the same time the career is beginning, you are to find love, get married, have children....and etc etc. And as you go from tier to tier, rung to rung, the high school and college you attend, the career you choose, the number of children you have, all have their own hierarchy, their own place in society, one will be relegated to. It is mind boggling and migraine begging and if placed on paper chart confusing the societal hierarchies we have created, and if at any point in life one deviates from the norm, there is much confusion and pressure to return back to the norm.
Unfortunately what I have seen, in the place one should find the most acceptance and peace, is an unspoken hierarchy, that stems from society yet has changed to make itself appear "more spiritual" "more godly." And this is the church's' hierarchy. Education, socioeconomic status, and career choice, while subtly there, do not seem to have affected the church as much as marriage and parental status. Churches have programized and socialized, segregated and relegated their bodies according to marital and parental status and at times have made it seem like a ladder to climb as you travel along your journey. Do you remember promotion Sunday? I do, it was the Sunday where as a child you would stand at the front of the church and be promoted from one Sunday school classroom to the next. (maybe this was a good ole ARP doing!) While as a child it was fun and enjoyable to move from classroom to classroom and it was needed for developmental and social reasons, as an adult the fun is lost and the enjoyment is no more. But it seems there are churches who continue to see weddings, child birth as a form of "promotion Sunday." Once you get married you are now "eligible" to be promoted into the young married couples Sunday school class and Bible study; once you have children you are promoted to the young married with children, etc. and if at any point you find yourself older with young children or older and single or older and no children, you have to navigate your way into figuring out where you fit in, begin to question do you truly belong, and speaking from the heart, begin to feel less of a person because you are not "moving up" the ladder of the church.
Now let me take a brief moment to say, it is extremely important for young couples to have other young couples, and mothers to have other mothers and wives to have other wives and singles to have other singles and I could continue on. I am in no way saying that these relationships are not important nor are not needed. It is extremely important to have others speaking into our lives who have and are living similar journeys. I am purely speaking from my heart, based on the feelings and incidents I have experienced, to the heart of the church and to the desires I have seen and heard spoken over the last 10-15 years from women of all walks of life.
Having been single for 34 years, I have seen women walk the other way as I have walked through lobbies. I have sat alone in seats in sanctuaries watching elders and pastors meet the couples around me and only to be skipped over. I have heard pastors speak of the 'sin of singleness' because in Genesis we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply and man is not to be alone; I have been told I can not attend Bible studies (the only Bible studies offered for women my age) because I am single. I have been the one asked to serve because I am single and have free time, and multiple times I have felt less of an individual based on comments made towards me because I am still in one journey of life and have not moved to the next.
Recently I had the privilege of attending a women's retreat through my church. Women of all ages, all walks of life, all stories, came together for a weekend away. As I looked about the room, most women were married, most had children, some were older, some were younger, and having been in this position before, I was waiting for "it" to happen, the moment someone realizes you are single and either decides not to converse with you or asks married womens' favorite questions of why are you single, you are perfect for someone, where are all the good men, are you dating anyone, followed by the age old, "just wait he will come when you least expect it." I was waiting to turn and gag and think "here we go again" with my pat answer of I don't know, obviously men do not think I am perfect, I wish I knew where all the good men were, I am not dating anyone, and I have been waiting 34 years I think I know what patient means by now. But "it" never happened, women spoke to me like we had been friends for years; women asked about life what I enjoyed what I loved to do. No one was concerned about my job, my career, my singleness, they were concerned about me. Just me. For the first time, the hierarchy was broken and I looked about a room and saw women loving each other and loving their Father. And I felt like a woman, an equal. Just a woman. Not a single woman. Not a childless woman. Just a woman.
What a treasure and a blessing to see that cycles can be broken that hierarchies can be demolished. How will this hierarchy continue to be broken in the church, in our lives, and most of all in women? By churches seeing the value of all people regardless of their status, by women taking the time to speak with other women and learning their story, and by not relegating members to certain categories and simply, just simply, doing the one thing we are all commanded to do...."Love the Lord OUR God with ALL our hearts, with ALL our souls, with ALL our strength, and will ALL our minds. And love our neighbors as ourselves."
This friends will break cycles and release freedom to churches to thrive to grow to love to serve and to represent the Kingdom in ways unimaginable.
Unfortunately what I have seen, in the place one should find the most acceptance and peace, is an unspoken hierarchy, that stems from society yet has changed to make itself appear "more spiritual" "more godly." And this is the church's' hierarchy. Education, socioeconomic status, and career choice, while subtly there, do not seem to have affected the church as much as marriage and parental status. Churches have programized and socialized, segregated and relegated their bodies according to marital and parental status and at times have made it seem like a ladder to climb as you travel along your journey. Do you remember promotion Sunday? I do, it was the Sunday where as a child you would stand at the front of the church and be promoted from one Sunday school classroom to the next. (maybe this was a good ole ARP doing!) While as a child it was fun and enjoyable to move from classroom to classroom and it was needed for developmental and social reasons, as an adult the fun is lost and the enjoyment is no more. But it seems there are churches who continue to see weddings, child birth as a form of "promotion Sunday." Once you get married you are now "eligible" to be promoted into the young married couples Sunday school class and Bible study; once you have children you are promoted to the young married with children, etc. and if at any point you find yourself older with young children or older and single or older and no children, you have to navigate your way into figuring out where you fit in, begin to question do you truly belong, and speaking from the heart, begin to feel less of a person because you are not "moving up" the ladder of the church.
Now let me take a brief moment to say, it is extremely important for young couples to have other young couples, and mothers to have other mothers and wives to have other wives and singles to have other singles and I could continue on. I am in no way saying that these relationships are not important nor are not needed. It is extremely important to have others speaking into our lives who have and are living similar journeys. I am purely speaking from my heart, based on the feelings and incidents I have experienced, to the heart of the church and to the desires I have seen and heard spoken over the last 10-15 years from women of all walks of life.
Having been single for 34 years, I have seen women walk the other way as I have walked through lobbies. I have sat alone in seats in sanctuaries watching elders and pastors meet the couples around me and only to be skipped over. I have heard pastors speak of the 'sin of singleness' because in Genesis we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply and man is not to be alone; I have been told I can not attend Bible studies (the only Bible studies offered for women my age) because I am single. I have been the one asked to serve because I am single and have free time, and multiple times I have felt less of an individual based on comments made towards me because I am still in one journey of life and have not moved to the next.
Recently I had the privilege of attending a women's retreat through my church. Women of all ages, all walks of life, all stories, came together for a weekend away. As I looked about the room, most women were married, most had children, some were older, some were younger, and having been in this position before, I was waiting for "it" to happen, the moment someone realizes you are single and either decides not to converse with you or asks married womens' favorite questions of why are you single, you are perfect for someone, where are all the good men, are you dating anyone, followed by the age old, "just wait he will come when you least expect it." I was waiting to turn and gag and think "here we go again" with my pat answer of I don't know, obviously men do not think I am perfect, I wish I knew where all the good men were, I am not dating anyone, and I have been waiting 34 years I think I know what patient means by now. But "it" never happened, women spoke to me like we had been friends for years; women asked about life what I enjoyed what I loved to do. No one was concerned about my job, my career, my singleness, they were concerned about me. Just me. For the first time, the hierarchy was broken and I looked about a room and saw women loving each other and loving their Father. And I felt like a woman, an equal. Just a woman. Not a single woman. Not a childless woman. Just a woman.
What a treasure and a blessing to see that cycles can be broken that hierarchies can be demolished. How will this hierarchy continue to be broken in the church, in our lives, and most of all in women? By churches seeing the value of all people regardless of their status, by women taking the time to speak with other women and learning their story, and by not relegating members to certain categories and simply, just simply, doing the one thing we are all commanded to do...."Love the Lord OUR God with ALL our hearts, with ALL our souls, with ALL our strength, and will ALL our minds. And love our neighbors as ourselves."
This friends will break cycles and release freedom to churches to thrive to grow to love to serve and to represent the Kingdom in ways unimaginable.
I love this post Jynne! I have definite lived and felt this.
ReplyDeletethank you Kelly! I know you understand and the more I share the more I find feel the same way, it is great to know we are not alone in our feelings.
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