My Seasons of "Why?"

I remember sitting on the gator, overlooking the land I had grown to love, the land that raised me, the land that ran through my blood, and screaming "Why Lord, Why?!" My sister was in the house, laying in a state of depression, pumping nourishment for a life no longer lived, my brother-in-law walking around in a grief induced trance, my family was falling a part before my eyes, and we were about to bury a little body, not much longer than my arm, a little over 8 pounds, dark headed dark eyed little princess. And all I could scream is "Why?!" "Why Lord? This is not right, this is not fair, why do You Who supposedly loves me so much, take away something so special?" We sang "It is well..." with "Great is Thy faithfulness..." We walked together as a family and the casket was lowered to the sounds of a violin in the distance, exactly one year after the first great loss of our family. My grandmother...and now my niece. Two Novembers, two losses, two questions of "Why?"
Time passed and my grandfather began the descent to his deathbed, my family grew a part. I made the decision to move away, follow the Lord on a sabbatical. But before I moved, I stayed with him. I remember sitting on the side of the nursing home bed, watching to see if he was breathing. Praying for the next gasp of air to fill his lungs, knowing the end was near but longing for just a few more moments. He was my hero, my role model, perfectly imperfect, yet the epitome of Jesus here on earth, humble, caring, giving, loving. I opened a container of ice cream, as I pulled back the top, a smile appeared on the wrapper, my Creator was there, present, watching everything unfold. I would hold the container for bile and fluids to spill from his mouth. I would hold his hand letting him know it was okay to meet his Creator. As I left his room that evening, I knew it would be the last. A call in the night, confirming my spirit, he was gone. Another "Why Lord?' "Why take the man I adore, the man I long to be like?" Four years, three losses, three "Whys?"
Still grieving, I moved to another city, another state. I began a life a part from all that I had known. As I am there friendships crumble and a sister in Christ falls to the ways of the world. My home never sells, new tenants trash my home, my job reopens, the place I spent a year on sabbatical becomes just that, a year of sabbatical. I returned to find a sister in a state of ruin, a home needing repair, and a job paying less than I am able to live on. Five years, four losses, four "Whys?"
I remember sitting on my bed, holding my leg. I had just come in from a run, burning pain shooting down to my foot, pressure filling the compartment, something was wrong. I tried to push through but pushing caused the pain to worsen. I could not run. All I could ask was "Why Lord? I am healthy, I am not obsessing over exercise. I am running and enjoying your creation. Why the pain?" Six years, five losses, five "Whys?"
As I moved into the next year, pain still radiating down my leg, tests and more tests, needles and doctor's visits, laid hands and prayers, financial loss, loss of exercise, I moved forward with surgery. A surgery that no one knew the outcome, a surgery that even the doctor said may or may not work. At the same time I was deciding whether my injury could be repaired, my uncle was fighting a disease that none should have to fight. He was facing death in the eyes. He would never walk again, never run again, never have the opportunity to make the decision "Can my disease be repaired?" A man I admired, a man that gave generously, loved unconditionally, battled graciously, a hero in life and a hero of faith, fought for his life. As I stood next to his grave, speaking from the heart to a family torn a part by years of loss, and a few weeks later, as I laid there, leg in a wrap, in a drug induced haze, knowing the road ahead looked grim, the question again arose in my spirit, "Why?!" "Why Lord, why take the life of a young man with a wife and two children who need him, why allow an injury to take my ability to run to exercise to enjoy life, why more debt more financial loss more difficulty?" Seven years, seven losses, seven "Whys?"
Finally a year without loss, a year of new friendships, of renewed vigor for life, a desire for a change in career, spiritual growth, still financial hardships, still dealing with healing of my injury, but a hope had come from the ashes. Friends placed on my path for such a time as this, the Lord giving the ones I need to bring His plan to fruition. Still seeking clarity of future, direction, job, still struggling with unfulfilled desires, but a feeling I was being prepared for something. A feeling of all of these things are preparing me to step into the role He has specifically prepared. And then as a new year started...I remember sitting in the room, three faces blankly staring at me. Three faces of used to be friends, now turned enemies. And his words lowered down like a ton of bricks on my soul. Ten years of ministry of mission of loving of serving....gone. Even knowing I had done nothing, that grace and mercy did not exist in their minds, that there was no logical reason, that it was the last arrow shot at the target on my back, did not matter. I was hurt angry upset deeply saddened. A week later, and the "Whys?" now arise. I sit here unable to speak unable to pray unable to focus. All I can weakly gasp is "Why Lord? Why pull out from under me the children I love so dearly, the lives I pray for daily? Why leave me with bills to pay and no means to pay? Why Lord?" Nine years, eight losses, eight "Whys?"
As with all the losses, beauty will spring from the ashes. Less than a year after losing my niece, new life filled the womb once again. Three years later and three days before her going home anniversary, another niece was welcomed into the world. Five days before surgery, a nephew joined the family. Life  has been given to the family that was hurting, laughter replaces tears. Joy replaces depression. Financially, bills have always been paid, through the panic He has always provided. Restoration and growth in my sister in Christ's life has been a testimony to all, a friendship renewed and restored, a life on fire for the Father. Two races ran nine months after surgery, the Lord heals, sometimes His ways are mysterious, but He heals. Leaving behind scars, reminders of His continued faithfulness and provision. Friendships have blossomed, people placed in my life to point me towards the calling He has placed over my life. Friend's children I claim as my own, loving and guiding them towards a great Father, sharing in their lives and becoming a family chosen. Children to love on, teach, guide, protect, care for, serve faithfully...a new mission. There are still "Whys?" As I sit here fighting another great "Why?!" As I sit here unable to pray unable to focus unable to speak, I know this is just a season. For there is a season for everything, and questioning and doubting and asking "Why?!"...it is okay...for a season. For with each season of "Why?!" weeping may last for the night, but joy will come in the morning, and I know that when the morning breaks, there will come with it great clarity, great vision, great direction.