Dear Emeline...

Dear Emeline,

I sit here 5 years from the day you came into this world. I can still remember the day, the excitement, the sitting in the waiting room straining to hear your cries as they wheeled you down the hallway, the way you looked like an infant not a newborn from the time I first laid eyes on you. I have never felt such love, joy, pure happiness....ever. To this day, it is the single best day of my life. I know in the future the Lord will grant me a family of my own, but your birth, it will always hold a special place in my heart. You were the first born...and while each child is special there is something different with a first born.

I often think of how different life would be if we were actually celebrating your 5th birthday today. I can see you running around holding up your whole hand when asked how old you are, and I can see this big beautiful smile on your face, because you know you are now a big girl. I can imagine you heading off to school, or Mommy starting you in homeschool. I know you would be so smart and ahead of your class and grade because Mommy and Daddy would have spent so much time with you talking and teaching. I can see you playing soccer, basketball, t-ball. I can imagine how excited I would be when I got to see you play in your first game or dance in your first recital. And I can see the exact place the magnet of you in your uniform on your first "soccer card" would proudly be displayed on my refrigerator. I know by five we would have had many auntie and niece dates, sleepovers, and mini-get aways. But the Lord determined your life a little differently than we desired.

He knew you would only need seven wonderful weeks, to impact more than most. He knew before time began, you would grace this earth with your presence and that He would call you back home. Some say you passed to soon, others say there is no way the Lord would have done this, others have insisted the Lord does not will or allow suffering, still others have doubted you are now with Jesus. But as the years have passed, I am more thankful each day that He allowed us to be blessed by your short presence, that He cared so much about us, as your family, that He gave us the blessing of a little girl on September 23. I once too believed you had passed too soon, I see your sisters growing and the smiles they bring and the warmth in my heart each time I see or hear them, but I see the world they live in. I see the future they are facing, and how can I not be thankful that the Lord kept you from hurt and pain? How can I wish to have you here on earth where moth and rust destroy, where evil lurks around each corner, where suffering abounds, when you are in heaven dancing with the angels, singing praises to Jesus? How selfish of me to think my will and desire is greater than His sovereign plan. Many have said there is no way the Lord would have done this, there is no way the Lord wills or allows suffering to happen, so therefore there is no way the Lord would have taken you. But from the first moment I heard of you passing, I knew it was in the Lord's will. Only the Lord gives and takes away, only the Lord determines the number of days we have on this earth, only the Lord allows each thing that happens to us to pass first through His hand. We live in a fallen world, we are all totally depraved a part from Him, and we will suffer. Scripture is very clear we will suffer, but it is also clear we will suffer for a little while and then we will be brought into the presence of the Lord Himself where there is no suffering. Emeline, from the day you left, I believed and to this day I believe that the Lord is Sovereign, that there is no one, no one else His equal, and that He ordains each event that comes into my life. I would much rather know that He is the One who is Sovereign, not satan or myself. There is no doubt, the Lord was in control of your birth and of your death, praise Him! And I also know that you are in heaven with Granddaddy and Grandmother, that you have met the unborn children of some of my dearest friends, that you are walking the streets of gold. Baptism does not save, parents do not save, only the Lord saves. You were not here on this earth long enough to knowingly sin, you were not here long enough on this earth to be judged for any action, the Lord in His Sovereign grace has covered you and you are with Him. I read a book When an Infant Dies by a reformed author the day after you passed. I am so thankful to have a Lord who loves the unborn, the infants, and those who can not make decisions for themselves due to mental incapabilities.

So on your 5th birthday, I have to pause not only to remember, to imagine, to dream, to cry, to grieve, but to give thanks. Because, five years ago I rejoiced as you entered this world and five years later I can rejoice in the healing the Lord has brought and the lives you have touched and continue to touch. I have been blessed by two beautiful nieces, your little sisters, who bring a joy that is like none other. Elisea and Julia know who you are, you have not been forgotten. Elisea proudly states "I have two sisters, one is in heaven." As a big sister, we want to protect our little siblings, we want to protect those near us, those we are closest to, those we care the most about. It is the innate characteristic of a big sister, we protect and we care. While you are not here, I know you are still protecting and caring for your little sisters and know I am watching over them as well. I wish I could keep them from the hurts and pains of this world, but I can not. I can only love them and care for them, pray for them and point them to Jesus. What a five years, the Lord has given. It has not been easy, there have been moments of grief, moments of pain, moments of doubt and questioning, but praise Him for your life, praise Him for the lives you have touched and the hearts that have been drawn to the cross, blessed be His name.

You are forever missed. I know you are in our hearts but in His arms.
Love you so much, my beautiful niece,
Aunt Jynne